New Year

A new year, a new beginning. At least that's what we like to think. I'm sure I'm not the only one who, by the end of the year, begins to think about where I went wrong, and how I can do things better "next time." Somehow I get the idea that, because I find myself lacking in one area, I can let everything slide and just start anew at step one. I think that way because it's easy. The First. January. The start of a brand new year. A day where we have all decided in the days leading up to this, what is best for us. We've made ourselves resolutions, and we plan to act on them. We plan to become better people, we plan to achieve goals, and we plan for everything to work out. What we don't plan on is the fact that one year from now, we'll be doing it all over again.

Perhaps that is not the case for some. People achieve, goals are reached, and all is well. Judging by the reaction I see most people have to the coming New Year, they feel they have let themselves down at some point and hope that this time things will be different. I'd like to think that I could live my life without regret, but I can't. There are always so many things I want to do and so many things not to do, that life becomes overwhelming. I understand that I live a good life, with friends and family who support me, a girlfriend who puts up with me in those times where I feel I could not even put up with myself, and a job to keep a roof over my head, plus enough extra cash to keep my hobbies going. Everything is great, but this is not a post to gloat. I am thankful for everyone and everything in my life, despite how lowly I may feel about myself for not achieving my personal goals.

It's just, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve all this. But when pieces of my world begin to break, you can be damn sure I'm there to fix it. I act fast, I make sacrifices. So then why, when my world is calm, do I not push myself to make these same sacrifices? Is it laziness? Probably. Yes, even. I become too comfortable. Being comfortable is great in the sense that you can just go with the flow regarding anything that comes your way. It becomes a nuisance when you want to do yourself better, but don't have the drive for it.
As an artist, I need to always broaden my horizon. I need to go places, I need to experience things, I need to live life. It's how I become inspired, and it's how I feel better about myself. But I just don't do it enough, and it's because I've become too comfortable with my life. It's that feeling in your soul that yearns for more, but your mind and body reply with "next time." How many times is it going to take until you can get things done? For me? Many. Many days, many months, many years. This isn't all about art either, this is regarding how I feel about myself and if I believe myself to be someone worth looking up to.

It's time I worked harder. Both on my art and myself. As an artist, there is always room to improve, and I aim to do just that. It's not about finding time, it's about making time. I have funds, I live in the city, I am surrounded by artists! I have no excuse to skip out on something that can make me a better artist. I want to be motivated and inspired and create great things using my knowledge, skill and imagination. I want to be a better person, one who is excited to get up in the morning, and have everything I need planned out the night before. I want to be organized, I want to be ready, I want to be energized and I want to make it into the gym on a regular basis. I want to feel better about myself physically and personally. I want to be someone worth looking up to.

The new year is approaching, and I've begun to think about where I went wrong, and how I can do things better "next time." If this truly is my "next time," I don't want a reset button by the end of the year. I want to continue and create my goals whenever I need to. All of this can't be accomplished overnight. It takes time and dedication. Small steps and small accomplishments. I want to be patient, I want to accomplish my goals, I want to believe I can do what I set out to do.

But most of all, I don't want to be comfortable.

Best of luck to everyone.
Happy New Year.